雅思剑5第一篇小作文,希望大牛帮助改改,顺便给个分数,谢谢-百度

个别单词有拼写错误哦，第二句lower than改为（just） under更好，“but the percentage of Sweden rose more rapidly than USA”,USA前加that of,“between 1990 and 2015 with a peak in 2010 about 20%”,about前面加at. a little bit 最好改为slightly。

“ After 2015 the proportions of all three countries rise dramatically to 2040.”这句话有歧义了，难道是比例上升到2040？另外注意时态，这里最好用将来，表明是推测的。雅思小作文尽量不要出现歧义。

这篇作文整体来讲还是不错的，但是from to貌似用得有些太多了，可以用period,span这样的词来替代下。分数嘛，6.5左右吧。

【雅思剑5test1小作文求评价

The line graph describes some data about the percentage =》是不是可以改成 The line graph describes the percentage。

aged 65 and over =》aged 65 and older As can be seen from this line graph,there is an increasing trend in the number of old people in three countries.More precisely,the percentage of population went up gradually from 9% in 1940 to 15% in 1982 and it will remain stable at 14% in 2018（那个国家？）.After that（去掉？），the proportion of population aged 65 and over is expected to reach 23% in 2040.Similarly（跟什么说similarly，前后说的好像不一样） ，the proportion of population age 65and over in Sweden accounted for 7% in 1940 to 26% in 2040（对将来数据的预测，时态是否不对？）.While,the percentage of population aged 65 and over in USA remained steady at 5% by the end of 2008,After that,there is a substantial surge and occupies at 27% in 2040（对将来数据的预测，时态是否不对？）.Therefore,it shows that the percentage of 65+ people are soring moderately in the next three decades.（ 未来三年应该是数据预测，不是shows吧.，另外，soring moderately，适度的飙升？有点矛盾？）soring => soaring。

求大牛雅思小作文批改！ 题目是剑5 TEXT 1 的小作文,帮忙改下错,

The graph describes the portion of the population above aged 65 between 1940 and 2040 in the three countries---USA,Sweden and Japan. As shown in the graph, it is expected to have increments in the rate of old people .

In 1940,the proportion of population above age 65 remained extremely low, as the figure of these countries stood at 9%(in USA),8%(in Sweden) and only 5%(in Japan). However by the end of the 1980 ,the number of old people in USA and Sweden had dramatically grown ,arriving at 15% and 14% respectively; by contrast, it had indicated a slight decrease in Japan ,then reminded approximate 3% in the corresponding period .Subsequently, fluctuation showed ,but had been predicted that the rate of the elder was going to descend around 10% in both USA and sweden.

After 1980, the number of Japanese old people had been consistently toward an upward trend .The portion of population above age 65 in Japan will overtake it of Sweden and USA in(around?) 2030. Clearly,the circumstances of USA,Sweden and Japen will reach the similar point.

雅思小作文批改（剑5test1）

The graph illustrates the dramatic comparison of the population proportion aged 65 and over from year 1940 to 2040 in three countries.

In Japan, its population proportion started in the year of 1940 at a tendency of going from 5% to approximate 3% in 1960, followed by a stable trend before restarting to the original level in year 2000.

In view of Sweden and USA, which both countries demonstrate a constantly increasing movement of the population, started itself from 7% and 9% to 16% and 14% respectively during the same period as Japan.

It is worth mention that the expected proportions in three countries, especially Japan are blessed with a noticeable rising of population, which raised sharply to 27% over the last two decades. As to the other countries, Sweden and USA have all experienced a moderate increase in population by hitting to 25% and 24% each, although Sweden suffered from a little turbulence in years from 2000 to 2020.

楼主英文水平很好，接近西方的结构写作，但语法稍微注意一下，有个别词汇还是要了解一下运用的方法，（英文同义单词很多，但写作时每个都有不同的用途）。还有尽量不要写数字，像 3 countries 要写成 three countries 看起来会比较正式一点。

我尽量改的都改了，也不会是完全对，只给LZ一个参考。

哪位大牛帮我批改下雅思 大概多少分 ,剑5 text4 的小作文 谢谢 本人高

你这篇应该是6分。

开头第一段，不要特地把line chart,bar chart写出来。显得有点啰嗦，而且我们主要看你是否能把图表信息描述清楚，至于是啥图，并不关心。第二句话，很有问题。我想这应该用the most popular travel destinations 而不是famous。

第二段： 不要老用visitors，换成tourists或者travelers都行。both arrived at around 10 millions respectively. 这里，怎么既用both又用respectively，那么到底是都还是分别呢？ a sharp growth UK visitors visited 5 most popular states were。。。 缺少the，改成the 5 most popular nations among UK tourists 要好点

最后一点，对你的内容选择上有点建议。既然给你2个可以比较的信息，你就得比较它们一下。用一些词比如 几倍多，更多等等。用的词有点简单了。语法没有太大的错误，基本过关。从句的量可以再多一点。所使用的逻辑衔接词，都挺不错。但是，在描述时间轴上的信息时，缺乏衔接。描述得也略微简单了点。总的来说，6分是一个比较合理的分。

雅思作文求评分,谢谢啦

我觉得你写的不错，结构很清晰，论点和论据一目了然。长短句结合。也有例子具体的分数我不好评，因为我的作文也就考了6.5.我就说说我认为的不足的地方吧，希望能帮到你。

第一是按照你的观点，你认为先工作旅游是好的，那么主体写的时候最好先写你不同意的观点。也就是把你这两个主体段换一下位置。第二是如果你想拿高分，最好能用上一些好词来代替比较普通和简单的表述。第三是我觉得最后的conclusion说这样可能会让年轻人找到一些方向这个观点应该是一个新的观点吧？你的支持段里并没有说到这个好处。而结论段式不允许出现新的观点的，应该是总结你的陈述。如果你想加上这个支持观点可以写进主体段里。然后综上所示，虽然先工作旅游有一些缺点，但是它既可以增长知识，又可以帮助青少年更好的实现目标。所以你支持先工作旅游这一观点。

总体来看六分以上是绝对没问题的，如果结合你小作文也不错的话，六点五的可能比较大，当然没准儿对哪个考官的胃口七分也不是没有可能的。

帮我改一下这个雅思小作文是剑5 test1的小作文

The graph illustrates changes in the proportion of the population aged 65 and over form 1940 to 2040 in Japan, Sweden, and USA. （介词in用的没错，但要加上逗号。）

In 1940,JAPAN was the least in amount of population aged over 65,which was 5%. While the American population was the most proportion,which was double of Japanese about 9%,furthermore,Swiss population was 7% in between.

---In 1940, Japan was the one which has the least amount of population aged 65 and over(5%), while America consists of the largest proportion, which amounts to 9%, doubling that of Japan.

During 100-year period,proportion of Swiss and American had a upward trend,which increased to 25% and 27% respectively.but there was a slight decline in the number of Swiss population from 2010 to 2030.

However,the proportion of Japanese population witnessed a downward trend from 1940 to 1990,which reached the bottom (about 3%), after which, we can see a highly upward trend that the population increased to 27% in 2040.Furthermore, it even overtook Swiss and America in 2030.

Overall,the graph shows the proportion of three countrys population aged 65 and over has increased dramatically in 100 years.